There is an opposing force that presents itself whenever we are onto something, called love. Whenever I start to embody what I am that expands my heart and raises my vibrational frequency, there is an opposite energy that wants to steal my attention. It’s aggressive and it’s in my face. It wants to disrupt the flow of life and to life.
Every once in awhile, I buckle under the weight of its force, and I let this violent energy carry me through its process. Where I go is jagged, and jarring, yet there is a familiarity to its suffocating darkness. It is mired in anger, littleness, hostility, judgment, envy, shame, guilt, and doubt.
There is a powerful energy here that I can harness to get what I want, destroying everything that gets in my way.
Eyes Open, Heart Closed
I am propped up by arrogance, pride and how many hearts I crush on the way to the top. My body’s eyes are wide open and alert for any threat, and my heart shut, deflecting any love that comes near. Any whiff of love, snuffed out by brute force.
As I survey the land of my creation, I am content that I have everything that I want. Yet there is a sense of not being fulfilled. My creation is brimming with castles, and coffers of gold and brilliant stones, but the light that they emanate fails in comparison. “Fails in comparison to what?”, says The Voice.
It starts with curiosity. Then comes the desire to remember. I am guided to go back to the point of choice, and see the divergent paths before me. I am curious about the path to the right, the one I had not taken.
The Path Not Taken
As I wade through its overgrowth, fear starts to creep in. There is no clear path, just jungle of ancient trees and thorny bushes. The sun sets, and I am enveloped in darkness and shadows. I rely on my own past learning to get me through the forest – heart shut and eyes open.
The harshness of the elements is getting the best of me. Bloodied, mangled and exhausted, I look back to where I came from. I take a few steps towards it, pause, then drop to my knees because for the first time I do not know the way.
Turning back to what I know is tempting but it’s not fulfilling. Continuing forward into the labyrinth of the unknown seems ruthless and unforgiving.
A Cry for Help
I look up for a sign and see that it’s a full moon, and instinctively I howl from the bowels of my heart. The wolves in the far distant join my cry for help that reverberates across dimensions.
Drained and tired, I fall on my back. In the stillness of the forest, I close my eyes and I feel an opening. For the first time I am hearing, seeing and feeling not from my body’s ears, eyes and hands, but from my heart.
I notice a soft and gentle energy flowing from my heart that is met by a similar and powerful vibration from beyond my physical body, beyond the reality I know.
In this beautiful holy instant, time and space collapse, thoughts cease, and body is forgotten.
I let this loving energy carry me. This feels different. I am no longer in charge. This life force is far greater, far more powerful, than any master I served. Yet It is gentle and loving. It is trustworthy. It is worth surrendering to.
As I allow myself to be filled up with this energy, the usual doubt, insecurity and fear have been pushed over the edges of my heart. There is no room for anything else but the love that I am filled with.
I am lifted up above the tree tops, and I am shown a different perspective. I see beauty, vibrant colours, and aliveness that I was blind to before. I look down and notice the thorny bushes that tore my skin open. I cursed them earlier, but from above, I see their perfection, and the role they played along my journey.
From this angle, I also see the shadows that scared me. When shadows are brought to the surface, I see them for what they really are – they are simply obstructions to light.
I am guided to find the blocks that cast a long shadow across my perception. For as long as these blocks are erect, my vision will never be true. I will never be truth.
And these obstructions will always hinder my ability to choose clearly.
In stillness and with Spirit we survey a life of decisions made based on false beliefs about myself, particularly the need to deny my truth.
At an early age I felt different from everyone else. While the other girls dressed up their dolls, I played with toy cars and climbed trees. Often times, while perched on a tree branch, I would revel in my solitude and contemplation.
However, as much as I felt freedom, there was this opposing energy informing me that it wasn’t safe to be me. So I hid my truth, I played small, and manifested a reality that reaffirmed the belief that I wasn’t worthy of my gifts.
I chose a life of circumstances, relationships, and career from this vantage point. And each choice solidified the identity I created.
I wanted to live in a safe container, and I made the box so small that I wouldn’t be seen. I tamped down every spark of truth so darkness became my ally.
I may have been wealthy in form, but in reality, my chest of treasures was stuffed with shadowy figures, secrets and deceits.
I am guided to place each of my tainted treasure on the altar of light so that it can be transmuted. Nothing else is asked of me but to bring the darkness up to the light.
Each time I make an error, I can choose again.
With every breath, I am taken to the start of divergent trailheads, and I have the power of choice.
This gift of choice is far more valuable than any currency.
I can choose to be a victim, or choose to be empowered.
I can choose to be in my littleness or choose to show up and take up space.
I can choose scarcity or step into my limitless abundance.
I can close my heart or choose to love like it matters.
I choose to love from the depths of my heart, despite the inevitable hurt and heartache. This is the stuff of life isn’t it? This is living.
I choose love. It’s the only way through.
Writer and globe wanderer, who's interests not only take her to distant corners of the world, but also to undiscovered regions of her inner Self. Proponent of the practice of mindfulness, self-compassion, and gratitude, the trifecta of healing and being, to transform her relationship with daily life challenges.