I’m convinced my soul contract says that I will attempt to learn self acceptance in this lifetime, otherwise I wouldn’t have experienced countless moments of rejection.
It seemed that the challenges were stacked up against me as soon as I entered into this agreement of undertaking specific and pivotal lessons in this physical body.
I was born in a world that rejects the identity I was to embody. This was orchestrated when separation was born, and when time and space were created as tools to reinforce duality.
In a parallel universe there is an experience of the Self through an evolved version of me that embraces and accepts her fullness without compromise. The experience of rejection in that expression of me is only a memory, however. It mattered at one point but its efficacy had faded and no longer relevant.
But I am not in that universe but in this.
I am here in this world experiencing rejection for the purpose of contrast learning. And rejection is at the forefront of my awareness.
Karma of Rejection
A few days after I broke up with my girlfriend, she stood outside my door. Her eyes were puffy from crying.
She came to grab her things, and I didn’t give her the courtesy of letting her in my house. I handed over her things through the slight opening. My right foot wedged the bottom of the door in place ensuring it wouldn’t be open any wider than necessary.
My heart was shut down at that point. That particular event would prove to be significant. I had rejected her in an unkind way.
After some time I wanted her back but she had already moved on with another woman.
It was her turn to reject me.
This was the big blow that blindsided me.
The rejection was a deep cut into the heart that unlocked the sorrowest of sorrows. The trauma felt like a thousand knives had pierced my heart.
The ache was cavernous and ancient from lives lived. It comprised of unfelt heartbreaks that found their expression through me. Yet the gaping wound was fresh and new at the same time.
Rejection is a Deep Wound
Rejection is one of our deepest wounds.
It is one of our biggest fears.
As humans, we desperately crave approval. There is an inherent need to belong. We are after all social beings.
When a mother rejects her baby, it produces an attachment disorder leading to the child exhibiting aggressive behaviour, withdrawal, anxiety, depression, and an inability to control his/her temper.
Seeking Love and Approval
As a child I modelled a behaviour that netted me the most love and approval from my parents and caregivers. I was quiet, I didn’t cry and I stayed within the box I created. I fabricated a persona that was acceptable and likeable, but it also kept me safe and away from harm’s way.
The social and cultural cues that informed me as a child led me to form beliefs about myself, one of which was that I wasn’t worth loving as I was.
As I type the previous sentence, I am brought to tears. The message “I am not worth loving as I am” to an adult is hurtful and deeply wounding, so what is it like for a child to believe this about herself?
Which is why children, who rely on caregivers for their survival, employ coping mechanisms in order to be accepted and loved, when there’s a threat to this need.
Projection Makes Perception
These survival mechanisms have been forgotten, so are the false beliefs about ourselves. Yet they are the very instruments that draw a veil over our experience in the world.
The Course teaches that projection makes perception. What I see and experience in the world is a mirror of my internal state.
I project the very thing that I don’t like about about myself, the very thing that I am afraid to look at. And I write a script for others and the world to reflect for me what I’m unwilling to see within myself.
I immigrated to Canada at the age of 8. The school that I went to was majority white kids. As I walked the halls of my school in a small city in Ontario, I heard whispers of hate and disgust at the colour of my skin and the slant of my eyes.
I understood at a young age what it feels like to be an outcast, to be in a society where I didn’t have a place in.
Throughout the years, there were many subtle and obvious instances of discrimination that were directed towards me, which reinforced the self hatred.
Upside Down Thinking
Did I hate myself because of my sexuality, my gender, or my ethnicity? Or is this upside down thinking?
My friend Kelly had told me that she wasn’t happy with herself because she was overweight. But I pointed out to her that maybe because she disliked herself, the extra weight was gained to reinforce the non-acceptance of herself.
Perhaps the lesson to be learned from the rejection of myself had already been prearranged in the ethers, therefore the script was written for me to incarnate into a female body that lusts for women in one version of a multiverse where heterosexuality is the norm.
Perhaps being in a dark skinned body among a sea of white, would prove to have profound impact on my spiritual growth.
In my recent awareness, rejection shows up as having attraction for those who don’t reciprocate my feelings. I am gutted when I fall in love with someone who doesn’t love me back.
I feel vulnerable. I am naked and exposed. It is like my chest is cracked open, and my heart is ripped out. Feelings are raw and intense.
These are examples of how I manifest experiences that reflect what I believe about myself.
I am merely a puppet to the puppeteer who personifies the fear, the dismissal, the rage, and the ugliness of the ego, as a result of my unconscious beliefs.
Therefore, the belief that I’m not worth loving shows up as rejection in the world.
It is not that the world is rejecting me, it is that I am rejecting myself because I believe that who I am is not good enough, which then gets expressed externally.
The Ways in Which I Reject Myself
I then look at my thoughts and behaviour. In what ways do I reject myself?
I reject myself whenever I cower instead of stand up to the fears that arise; when I take the thoughts of doubt and fear at face value and not investigate what the influencing undercurrent of these thoughts are.
I reject myself whenever I choose anything that knocks me off my centre:
- When I am efforting instead of allowing,
- When I am hating instead of being kind,
- When I am doubting instead of trusting,
- When I am contracting instead of expanding,
- When I am looking to blame instead of looking within,
- When I am self loathing instead of self soothing,
- When I am suppressing instead of feeling the felt sense of my emotions,
- When I am strengthening harmful patterns instead of creating new and empowering habits, and
- When I’m recreating the past, instead of allowing Creation to create through me in the eternal moment.
By looking at the ways I engage in non acceptance, there is more presence and awareness around these behaviours. I can then take steps to disrupt the familiar and default patterns, and replace with new ones.
How to Release False Beliefs
To release false beliefs, Spirit asks me to feel the resonance of rejection. So I allow myself to feel the energetic vibration of the emotions that are tied to the belief that who I am is not worth loving.
These were the emotions that wanted to be felt through me:
- Heavy hearted
I cry from the depths of my being. And I feel thoroughly the emotions that get stirred within me.
I am guided to say to myself repeatedly the belief “I am not worth loving as I am” until it no longer carries an emotional charge; until the statement reaches neutrality.
Then Spirit guides me to recognize the truth: “I am worth loving as I am”. I repeat this until there is alignment to this truth, even if it’s only slight; until there is a willingness to move towards this remembrance.
And if there’s willingness, say it with conviction. Say it until every cell and molecule of my physical body, and every current of energy of my existence are calibrated and harmonized to the Energy of all energies.
And the child that believed she is not worth loving, I embrace her and all the children that believe everything else but the real truth about themselves.
I will love them into alignment, each and every one of them as they are all expressions of me.
Contrast learning can be painful, but I will not let the ache go unnoticed and I will not let my pain be in vain.
Each experience of rejection is an opportunity to perform radical self love and acceptance – the one and only true lesson in this realm of duality.
Writer and globe wanderer, who's interests not only take her to distant corners of the world, but also to undiscovered regions of her inner Self. Proponent of the practice of ACIM, mindfulness, self-compassion, and gratitude, to transform her relationship with daily life challenges.